Sort of a blog... more of a just my heart. maybe a rant or a teaching. although, I really didn't want that... but here you have it.
Every day I face as a parent I think, they just shouldn’t let anyone do this. People should have to go to classes. We should have to have some sort of degree.
I mean really?? Pregnancy and birth was hard enough to figure out—then you have to actually bring that “thing” (for lack of better words) home and figure out how to take care of it! Any mom will tell you how challenging it is to figure a newborn. You also have to figure out the changes in you, your relationship with your husband, all the ways this affects your life. It’s a HUGE transition.
So after you finally have that baby home, you hopefully begin to start figuring out how to help them eat and sleep. This can take months. It’s all kind of overwhelming. And then you start to relax your baby is super cute… and then they start…exploring. Exploring things. Their freedom. Running away from you. Fighting naps, diaper changes, food…
And so it begins.
The struggle between parent and child and the fight for control, “who’s in charge”…
Ethan was about 9 months old when we moved to Ohio. I remember meeting a friend at the park whose son was a year older and our kids were eating wood chips- she took her son aside and spanked him. I wondered if I was supposed to do the same. It was my 1st introduction to discipline since I had kids. I hadn’t gotten to that place with my kids yet and there I found myself going: what do I want to teach Ethan? What boundaries should he have? How are we going to enforce them and communicate them?
So, I was given a book called “To train up a child” with the basic premise of training your child through spanking (the rod). For those of us raised in the church, you are probably like me, and familiar with spanking. Proverbs says “Train up a child in the way he should go”, “Folly is born in the heart of a child, and the rod drives it out”. I grew up in a house where we had a paddle with the train up a child verse painted on it.
Since my Ethan was starting to get into everything, I jumped all over this theory and started to put it into practice. It was relatively easy at his age. I mean, I basically had to just tap him and for the most part it worked. Although, it WAS exhausting. And I felt a bit crazy that I carried the spoon around in my purse so it was accessible at all times. It seemed to be about 75% effective at this point.
Then he turned 2. Wow. Terrible 2’s. My mom always told me she didn’t believe in them so I was thinking it couldn’t be that bad. But here I was with a super strong willed, highly emotional son. So many things were difficult. Sometimes it seemed spanking didn’t do a thing! At bedtime he continually got out of bed no matter how many times he got spanked. He would freak out about EVERYTHING. I read Dr. Dobson’s books “Strong willed child” and “How to bring up boys”. I was so scared that if I didn’t win the “who’s in charge” fight, I would be doomed with this kid for life!
Brent and I talked a lot over Ethan’s 2-3 yr old years. We didn’t feel like spanking or authoritative strong discipline was working. I continued to read different preschool books and tried some things. I talked to different parents. We worked in time outs and room time. We stuck to his schedule. We spent more one on one time with him. We changed some of our language. Some of it worked, some of it didn’t. All in all I can say the outcome that I wanted was about 50%.
Well, what was the outcome I wanted anyway? Sometimes I look back and wonder. For the most part, I think I just wanted him to be compliant. To not question and do as he was told. To listen and obey every time.
Compliance. Obedience. Was the whole point just to get my kids to obey me?
Those are scary words for those of us raised in the church. I mean, aren’t we suppose to raise children to obey? You know children obey your parents!! It’s a commandment! But through time I realized that I was missing something.
Something was NOT working. There was strain between our relationships with our kids. Specifically Ethan. I hated it. I didn’t want to be a parent who considered my kids a burden. I didn’t want to be a mom who was constantly complaining about my kids or yelling at them. I didn’t want to be “friends” with my kids but I sure wanted to enjoy and love and honor each other…
Obviously the method we were using to get our child to obey was NOT working and in the meantime, it was also creating a lot of strain in our relationship with him.
Things peeked with Ethan late summer of ‘09 when he started to display anger for the 1st time and retaliate. I began to cry out to God. I didn’t know what to do. I was heartbroken. How on earth was I, ME, AUTUMN raising such an “out of control” child?? I used to think I was not consistent or I didn’t spank hard enough or often enough. Maybe Ethan was too spoiled and we gave him too much. During the process, I started asking myself, what’s wrong with me? With us?
Brent & I sat in a meeting at a church during this time and they told a story about parents who came to the pastor with problems they were having with their kid. The pastors replied, come to my office. Let’s start with you first.” It rang loud and clear to me. Bingo, I thought. The problem IS us.
Really and honestly, it was a heart change WE needed. A heart change inside out. So I started seeking and looking for answers.
I started with looking into spanking and what the bible had to say a little more. And realized there is a lot of controversy and differing of opinions. One thing I read was “the word 'authority' can be substituted for 'rod.' If 'rod' can be referring to God's authority or a nation's authority in some of these verses, then it is referring to a parent's authority. You cannot kill someone with your authority. You can be striking (beating) them with your authority by using your authority to discipline (teach, disciple, educate, instruct) and guide them.” This helped me understand your goal as a parent is to use your authority (rod) to discipline (meaning teach, disciple, educate and instruct). It wasn’t to be the authority figure spanking your child into submission so that they listened to your every whim. That’s a big misinterpretation. I guess my big question was… how has that worked out for most Christian homes in the past? From what I see, not so good.
I also came to find out that the meaning of “the rod” was also a shepherding term. For example, David says, your rod and your staff they comfort me. A shepherd… THAT’S what we are as parents. This completely changed my perspective. Really, upon thinking of your job as a parent, you need to think of yourself as pastoral.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t think spanking can be a tool. I have spanked my kids a handful of times in the last few months. It IS a form of discipline but it, to me, should not be a form of training. We spank in a MUCH different way than we used to and rarely.
So after my world was rocked with the shepherding/parenting lesson. I finally read this book called: Loving your kids on purpose by Danny Silk.
I had been aware of this book for a long time; we had good friends who raved about it. I guess we just thought we didn’t need it. Ha. I wish so bad I had read the book two years before.
The premise of this book is to teach your child using the gift of choice. How we are not to control each other in relationships. It’s all about teaching your child to manage freedom learning cause and affect rather than trying to control their actions with punishment. It’s about focusing on your heart to heart connection with them as your #1 priority. I literally wept and asked God’s forgiveness for my heart during the first 3 chapters. I was so convicted.
The thought line is pretty revolutionary for most Christian parenting books. Most of the books out there draw a clear line of respect for parents, elder or authority. And what-you-get-if-you-don’t. This book is written with a crazy idea:
Freedom.
He uses a lot of practical relational 101 writing the book. Most of the relational stuff can probably transfer over to many areas in our lives. He bases a lot of teaching from a love and logic seminar series. We ended up getting the teaching CD’s as well which helped us embrace even more of the concept.
It changed the way we handled everything. We decided, in our family, we are not looking for unquestionable compliance. We are looking for kids who learn to make good choices and honor us… it’s their biblical commandment to learn to obey us (which by the way, obey in the biblical term doesn’t mean do as you are told. It DOES mean, consider, be content, declare, diligently, discern, give ear, (cause to, let, make to) hear, listen, (be) obedient, obey, perceive, publish, regard). Our job is to shepherd and train them to live in this world and know a God of love and freedom. We don’t want to be friends with our kids but want to be a mentor that our children love. We don’t want to be authoritative but we are in authority and we want them to learn to honor authority not fear it.
Honor. Ephesians, which holds the scripture we quote about “obeying your parents”, says a few more things… Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
If I look back at the culture we were creating in our home we were doing a few things: 1. exasperating our child. 2. Not creating a culture of honor. 3. Misunderstanding a lot of biblical interpretations of discipline.
The weeks following the changes we began implementing in our home were… bumpy. But overall, I recognized a LOT of good. Ethan was more loving, kinder to his siblings, more honest, more helpful, was learning to exercise more self control and generally more fun to be around. He is still my strong willed, moody son but he is also sensitive, creative, and silly and loves his family.
I kind of ran into a couple snags with the managing freedom method… Partially b/c my kids are toddlers but I also was looking for ways to train my kids to be honoring. So I purchased a book called Boundaries for kids. This helped me find some balance and learn to help create a culture of honor in our house. It helps you examine what the boundaries are in your house and healthy ways to communicate them. Combining this with the choices method has worked out pretty good. It takes a lot of creative thinking and also critical thinking to help you understand when you don’t get it right. Right now, we are a lot of trial and error. Figuring it out. But overall, we enjoy our kids WAY more… I feel like they are learning… they enjoy us more. They are still kids but are more loving and self controlled. And we love being together.
I have begun to think, what am I trying to teach my kids?? If it’s not unquestionable compliance which I thought was obedience. What is it I want? What fruit do I want in their lives?
The fruit of the spirit.
that’s what I want.
I want to see them full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. That’s what I want to model in the way I live AND in the way I “train” them. That’s what I want to develop in my kids.
If our kids are suppose to obey us (which remember that means they need to perceive and discern what we are telling them). How can we create a loving atmosphere where this is created? By creating a culture of honor. Someone in authority that we respect comes from the character we see displayed in their life. Honor in some usage in the bible has character connected to it. People honor when there is character. We as parents need to display the character of the Holy Spirit and this will create a culture of honor. Obedience born from an honoring heart doesn’t come when forced. We aren’t going to force it into our kids. The fruit of the spirit isn’t beat into us. The Holy Spirit/ Jesus loving develops a relationship with us that should develop in us: good fruit.
We are basically the Holy Spirit to our kids. Yup. Scary. So many times when I fail, I see my kids mimic my behavior. We need to be pouring into our kids lovingly, patiently, peacefully, full of kindness, joy, gentleness and self control.
For years I have heard the scripture preached “he will come to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the children to the fathers”… this is what God is doing in our generation. Yada. Yada. It took on whole new meaning to me these last months’s… If I couldn’t make that real in my home – woe is me. Haha.
Another scripture took it a whole step further for me: Luke 1:17 “…to turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.” This scripture tells me our hearts need to be turned to our kids and that helping them learn obedience (which is to discern) comes from the wisdom of the righteous. God’s wisdom and kingdom is built on the fruit of the spirit. It’s time we stop controlling our kids and start training them with the fruit of the spirit. This is what is going to make a generation ready for to be God’s kingdom in the world.
Ok that’s all. I am done. Just spilling my heart because I feel so strongly to share. Sorry if it’s too preachy. hahaha.I originally called this discipline is a process. Because it doesn’t happen overnight—it happens over time as we again, again and again respond in a loving way. My perfect love casts out fear. Teach your child with love not fear.
******If any of you as parents want to read more, I encourage you to check these materials I mentioned out. I highly recommend the teaching series on CD from loving on purpose. There is great teaching and lots of tools for you. Most of us probably need a sol...id heart change. http://lovingonpurpose.com
You can find the book on amazon and read reviews here:http://www.amazon.com/Lovi
The other book Bounderies, you can find here: http://www.amazon.com/Boun
It is actually called Bounderies: how healthy choices grow healthy kids
Every day I face as a parent I think, they just shouldn’t let anyone do this. People should have to go to classes. We should have to have some sort of degree.
I mean really?? Pregnancy and birth was hard enough to figure out—then you have to actually bring that “thing” (for lack of better words) home and figure out how to take care of it! Any mom will tell you how challenging it is to figure a newborn. You also have to figure out the changes in you, your relationship with your husband, all the ways this affects your life. It’s a HUGE transition.
So after you finally have that baby home, you hopefully begin to start figuring out how to help them eat and sleep. This can take months. It’s all kind of overwhelming. And then you start to relax your baby is super cute… and then they start…exploring. Exploring things. Their freedom. Running away from you. Fighting naps, diaper changes, food…
And so it begins.
The struggle between parent and child and the fight for control, “who’s in charge”…
Ethan was about 9 months old when we moved to Ohio. I remember meeting a friend at the park whose son was a year older and our kids were eating wood chips- she took her son aside and spanked him. I wondered if I was supposed to do the same. It was my 1st introduction to discipline since I had kids. I hadn’t gotten to that place with my kids yet and there I found myself going: what do I want to teach Ethan? What boundaries should he have? How are we going to enforce them and communicate them?
So, I was given a book called “To train up a child” with the basic premise of training your child through spanking (the rod). For those of us raised in the church, you are probably like me, and familiar with spanking. Proverbs says “Train up a child in the way he should go”, “Folly is born in the heart of a child, and the rod drives it out”. I grew up in a house where we had a paddle with the train up a child verse painted on it.
Since my Ethan was starting to get into everything, I jumped all over this theory and started to put it into practice. It was relatively easy at his age. I mean, I basically had to just tap him and for the most part it worked. Although, it WAS exhausting. And I felt a bit crazy that I carried the spoon around in my purse so it was accessible at all times. It seemed to be about 75% effective at this point.
Then he turned 2. Wow. Terrible 2’s. My mom always told me she didn’t believe in them so I was thinking it couldn’t be that bad. But here I was with a super strong willed, highly emotional son. So many things were difficult. Sometimes it seemed spanking didn’t do a thing! At bedtime he continually got out of bed no matter how many times he got spanked. He would freak out about EVERYTHING. I read Dr. Dobson’s books “Strong willed child” and “How to bring up boys”. I was so scared that if I didn’t win the “who’s in charge” fight, I would be doomed with this kid for life!
Brent and I talked a lot over Ethan’s 2-3 yr old years. We didn’t feel like spanking or authoritative strong discipline was working. I continued to read different preschool books and tried some things. I talked to different parents. We worked in time outs and room time. We stuck to his schedule. We spent more one on one time with him. We changed some of our language. Some of it worked, some of it didn’t. All in all I can say the outcome that I wanted was about 50%.
Well, what was the outcome I wanted anyway? Sometimes I look back and wonder. For the most part, I think I just wanted him to be compliant. To not question and do as he was told. To listen and obey every time.
Compliance. Obedience. Was the whole point just to get my kids to obey me?
Those are scary words for those of us raised in the church. I mean, aren’t we suppose to raise children to obey? You know children obey your parents!! It’s a commandment! But through time I realized that I was missing something.
Something was NOT working. There was strain between our relationships with our kids. Specifically Ethan. I hated it. I didn’t want to be a parent who considered my kids a burden. I didn’t want to be a mom who was constantly complaining about my kids or yelling at them. I didn’t want to be “friends” with my kids but I sure wanted to enjoy and love and honor each other…
Obviously the method we were using to get our child to obey was NOT working and in the meantime, it was also creating a lot of strain in our relationship with him.
Things peeked with Ethan late summer of ‘09 when he started to display anger for the 1st time and retaliate. I began to cry out to God. I didn’t know what to do. I was heartbroken. How on earth was I, ME, AUTUMN raising such an “out of control” child?? I used to think I was not consistent or I didn’t spank hard enough or often enough. Maybe Ethan was too spoiled and we gave him too much. During the process, I started asking myself, what’s wrong with me? With us?
Brent & I sat in a meeting at a church during this time and they told a story about parents who came to the pastor with problems they were having with their kid. The pastors replied, come to my office. Let’s start with you first.” It rang loud and clear to me. Bingo, I thought. The problem IS us.
Really and honestly, it was a heart change WE needed. A heart change inside out. So I started seeking and looking for answers.
I started with looking into spanking and what the bible had to say a little more. And realized there is a lot of controversy and differing of opinions. One thing I read was “the word 'authority' can be substituted for 'rod.' If 'rod' can be referring to God's authority or a nation's authority in some of these verses, then it is referring to a parent's authority. You cannot kill someone with your authority. You can be striking (beating) them with your authority by using your authority to discipline (teach, disciple, educate, instruct) and guide them.” This helped me understand your goal as a parent is to use your authority (rod) to discipline (meaning teach, disciple, educate and instruct). It wasn’t to be the authority figure spanking your child into submission so that they listened to your every whim. That’s a big misinterpretation. I guess my big question was… how has that worked out for most Christian homes in the past? From what I see, not so good.
I also came to find out that the meaning of “the rod” was also a shepherding term. For example, David says, your rod and your staff they comfort me. A shepherd… THAT’S what we are as parents. This completely changed my perspective. Really, upon thinking of your job as a parent, you need to think of yourself as pastoral.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t think spanking can be a tool. I have spanked my kids a handful of times in the last few months. It IS a form of discipline but it, to me, should not be a form of training. We spank in a MUCH different way than we used to and rarely.
So after my world was rocked with the shepherding/parenting lesson. I finally read this book called: Loving your kids on purpose by Danny Silk.
I had been aware of this book for a long time; we had good friends who raved about it. I guess we just thought we didn’t need it. Ha. I wish so bad I had read the book two years before.
The premise of this book is to teach your child using the gift of choice. How we are not to control each other in relationships. It’s all about teaching your child to manage freedom learning cause and affect rather than trying to control their actions with punishment. It’s about focusing on your heart to heart connection with them as your #1 priority. I literally wept and asked God’s forgiveness for my heart during the first 3 chapters. I was so convicted.
The thought line is pretty revolutionary for most Christian parenting books. Most of the books out there draw a clear line of respect for parents, elder or authority. And what-you-get-if-you-don’t. This book is written with a crazy idea:
Freedom.
He uses a lot of practical relational 101 writing the book. Most of the relational stuff can probably transfer over to many areas in our lives. He bases a lot of teaching from a love and logic seminar series. We ended up getting the teaching CD’s as well which helped us embrace even more of the concept.
It changed the way we handled everything. We decided, in our family, we are not looking for unquestionable compliance. We are looking for kids who learn to make good choices and honor us… it’s their biblical commandment to learn to obey us (which by the way, obey in the biblical term doesn’t mean do as you are told. It DOES mean, consider, be content, declare, diligently, discern, give ear, (cause to, let, make to) hear, listen, (be) obedient, obey, perceive, publish, regard). Our job is to shepherd and train them to live in this world and know a God of love and freedom. We don’t want to be friends with our kids but want to be a mentor that our children love. We don’t want to be authoritative but we are in authority and we want them to learn to honor authority not fear it.
Honor. Ephesians, which holds the scripture we quote about “obeying your parents”, says a few more things… Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
If I look back at the culture we were creating in our home we were doing a few things: 1. exasperating our child. 2. Not creating a culture of honor. 3. Misunderstanding a lot of biblical interpretations of discipline.
The weeks following the changes we began implementing in our home were… bumpy. But overall, I recognized a LOT of good. Ethan was more loving, kinder to his siblings, more honest, more helpful, was learning to exercise more self control and generally more fun to be around. He is still my strong willed, moody son but he is also sensitive, creative, and silly and loves his family.
I kind of ran into a couple snags with the managing freedom method… Partially b/c my kids are toddlers but I also was looking for ways to train my kids to be honoring. So I purchased a book called Boundaries for kids. This helped me find some balance and learn to help create a culture of honor in our house. It helps you examine what the boundaries are in your house and healthy ways to communicate them. Combining this with the choices method has worked out pretty good. It takes a lot of creative thinking and also critical thinking to help you understand when you don’t get it right. Right now, we are a lot of trial and error. Figuring it out. But overall, we enjoy our kids WAY more… I feel like they are learning… they enjoy us more. They are still kids but are more loving and self controlled. And we love being together.
I have begun to think, what am I trying to teach my kids?? If it’s not unquestionable compliance which I thought was obedience. What is it I want? What fruit do I want in their lives?
The fruit of the spirit.
that’s what I want.
I want to see them full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. That’s what I want to model in the way I live AND in the way I “train” them. That’s what I want to develop in my kids.
If our kids are suppose to obey us (which remember that means they need to perceive and discern what we are telling them). How can we create a loving atmosphere where this is created? By creating a culture of honor. Someone in authority that we respect comes from the character we see displayed in their life. Honor in some usage in the bible has character connected to it. People honor when there is character. We as parents need to display the character of the Holy Spirit and this will create a culture of honor. Obedience born from an honoring heart doesn’t come when forced. We aren’t going to force it into our kids. The fruit of the spirit isn’t beat into us. The Holy Spirit/ Jesus loving develops a relationship with us that should develop in us: good fruit.
We are basically the Holy Spirit to our kids. Yup. Scary. So many times when I fail, I see my kids mimic my behavior. We need to be pouring into our kids lovingly, patiently, peacefully, full of kindness, joy, gentleness and self control.
For years I have heard the scripture preached “he will come to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the children to the fathers”… this is what God is doing in our generation. Yada. Yada. It took on whole new meaning to me these last months’s… If I couldn’t make that real in my home – woe is me. Haha.
Another scripture took it a whole step further for me: Luke 1:17 “…to turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.” This scripture tells me our hearts need to be turned to our kids and that helping them learn obedience (which is to discern) comes from the wisdom of the righteous. God’s wisdom and kingdom is built on the fruit of the spirit. It’s time we stop controlling our kids and start training them with the fruit of the spirit. This is what is going to make a generation ready for to be God’s kingdom in the world.
Ok that’s all. I am done. Just spilling my heart because I feel so strongly to share. Sorry if it’s too preachy. hahaha.I originally called this discipline is a process. Because it doesn’t happen overnight—it happens over time as we again, again and again respond in a loving way. My perfect love casts out fear. Teach your child with love not fear.
******If any of you as parents want to read more, I encourage you to check these materials I mentioned out. I highly recommend the teaching series on CD from loving on purpose. There is great teaching and lots of tools for you. Most of us probably need a sol...id heart change. http://lovingonpurpose.com
You can find the book on amazon and read reviews here:http://www.amazon.com/Lovi
The other book Bounderies, you can find here: http://www.amazon.com/Boun
It is actually called Bounderies: how healthy choices grow healthy kids
