I have been talking to a lot of moms recently who have given me the comment “you just have such a unique perspective with your kids, tell me your thoughts.”
And I reply… um… ehhh… uhhh…
No idea how to even try to delve into this but I am gonna try.
I always have fears about being open on this subject because I am not sure what others may think. But hey, you may not completely agree with what I have to say and that's ok. Take anything you can glean from me and move on. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for other moms. I learn something from moms in my life All. The. Time. Like today, I had 20 some posts to a status on facebook regarding my Jace & Ava fighting. I got some REALLY good thoughts.
One of my biggest goals has become trying to train my kids to be full of the fruit of the spirit. Full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. That’s what I want to model in the way I live AND in the way I “train” them. It’s my goal to develop this in my kids.
So how do I take all the tools I have read about raising kids and position myself with this heart? No idea. I am trying to figure it out… it’s kind of trial and error. But I am hoping to kind of share some things I am attempting to try out.
And I mean attempting. I have a 5, 3 and 1 yr old—things get out of hand fast and I can't get to them all sometimes. And yes, I lose my patience some days. Sometimes I go in the other room count to 10 and come back J. I don’t always get it right.
Here’s some things I am working on…
My main goal over the last year has been to:
Focus on the good, not the bad.
I have shifted my focus on pulling the good out of them. I do NOT focus on driving the bad out. Does it mean that they don’t mess up? Nope. Does it mean that they don’t do bad things? Nope. But I found more negative side effects happening if I focused on the bad behavior rather than calling out the good.
Build up, not tear down.
Disciplining in a way that is encouragement, meat (what was wrong), encouragement
(I naturally started to do this over the last year but a friend of mine gave me this language and I thought it was brilliant)
Example* Ethan you are awesome. You need to speak respectfully. I know you have a kind heart* Mommy is setting the timer for 3 min, sit on the no fun bench and then we will talk.
and then we talk, this is easier as Ethan is older.
Allowing them to learn self control in a kind, gentle way but not controlling them
Example* Ethan you can learn how to read. You need to calm down. You are smart. Let me know when you are ready and we will try again.
Do you need a drink? can I help you?
In the above situation, I was not about to give in to him not wanting to work on his homework and he was having a freak out about it. We were going to work through it together.
When Jace was younger and his language was limited, he started being super rough. I would sit him down and gently stroke his face and say “Jace is gentle, Jace is kind”. Now he is 3 and such a gentle, kind boy- he still struggles with Ava but ya know, we are working on it.
Now Ava is a similair age to when Jace was doing the above. She sometimes will just smack me in the face, I take her hands and do the gentle talk- “Ava is gentle. Ava is kind." So now if she starts getting rough, I just say GENTLE AVA and she automatically gently pets whatever she was being rough with and says "gentle" haha.
Clear boundaries
Making sure they know what the boundary is and that it’s being crossed before I even think of reacting to their behavior.
When they are acting out the 1st question I ask myself is: what’s the problem?
It’s usually the first thing I ask them, What’s the problem guys?
What’s the root??
is it physical (overtired), is it emotional (someone keeps bother them), is it defiance (are they testing the lines), are they acting out (is there a deeper need that I am missing?)
Follow through in a positive way with consequences
I don’t want to tear my kids down when they make a bad choice. As a child, I don’t believe the bad choice defines who they are.
Hey buddy, throwing toys is not fun. Jace is fun. The car is mommy’s for the day.
Ethan, you can play nicely with everyone or you can go play upstairs in your room.
Positive affirmation
Every time I notice they do something right, I say something and try to give the positive reinforcement.
Tonight Ethan was getting out of the car and wanted to run outside in the rain. Brent asked him not to do it and he started to get upset. Brent reiterated what we were going to do inside and asked him not to go outside. Ethan totally changed his attitude and came in. The 1st thing out of our mouths was: Good job Ethan. You changed your attitude.
Connection. Connection. Connection.
Work on understanding my kids different needs and love language and spend good time with them. I can always tell when Brent & I are disconnected and I can with my kids too.
Here’s a few scriptures I am throwing out there to show my thought line.
Matt 12: 36
A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.
3 John 11
Friend, don't go along with evil. Model the good. He who does good is of God; he who does evil has not seen (discerned or experienced) God.
Romans 14:16
Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil. Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things
